Wednesday, March 30, 2011
March 31st - Transition
March 31st - Transition
It is 2 am and today I fly to New York. I cannot sleep, although I am exhausted.
It has been an incredibly intense time, mostly emotional.
Today I realized I have not felt home for over a year, maybe longer, ever since I started traveling and searching where I wanted to be After Kids, which started in the summer of 09, going to California, Washington and Oregon.
But back to now.
I am so overwhelmed, I don’t know how to write either. My heart aches from leaving the dogs behind again, they are such faithful friends and have helped me through so many lonely moments. They just give and love, no questions asked. I looked for sublets in New York that would take dogs, but that is nearly impossible, since most people sublet illegally and do not want any extra trouble.
I have a 2-bedroom apartment for two months in the West Village with a garden!!. Benjamin will come as well and by the end of May Sarah will have to leave her dorm and she will move back in,assumingly he will have a job and apartment long before that.
He actually has an interview with The Economist (writing about science) as well as with Columbia University(lab assistant)both for work in NY, he is clearly well positioned for work.
My goal is to have found a permannet apartment by the end of May and drive the dogs up.
The house needs to be sold, it feels like the most urgent issue right now.
It is ready, it is beautiful and I don’t understand why people are not lining up by the front door to get it, since I think it is an amazingly attractive house. On the contrary, we do not have a lot of traffic in and out, except when we did an open house last weekend.
They say here, when you have no viewers, the price is too high. It is already set at a much lower price than we ever thought necessary, it would be painful to go even lower.
We are on the internet, several sites, what else?. I cannot begin to explain how “done” I am, so ready to let go of it, so tired of it, it feels like it has eaten my energy and time for a year and a half and I am eager to move on.
Where are the people???
What part of me is not letting go? The fear of this new life and the comfort of the old one. Meeting people I know in the supermarket, calling the dentist and getting an appointment right away and getting one more email saying I will be missed. Lovely good- bye lunches and parties.
Getting a call to confirm my appointment with the radiologist.
I cancelled my car insurance today as well as my membership at the gym. I love my Prius and as much as I do not want to drive any more and have the pressure of owning a car, I will also miss it.
The last few weeks I have experienced everything, knowing it was a last of this or a last of that, constant good bye, even to roads or trees or buildings
I have moved more than once in my life, but never have I felt the tension between two worlds more than now.
Occasionally I think I am really crazy for having set this in motion, at my age, no job waiting for me and not even a permanent place to live.
Thank god for Sarah, she is my biggest supporter and seems to understand what I am all going through and voices that all the time. She is very excited we are coming, it is a lovely point of reference.
Maybe I just need to be out of the house for it to sell? Now there is a thought. What are the energetics of this sale, what is the universe preparing for me, what are my guardian angels helping me with, can I participate in this process or is it just about letting go?.....?
Please pray with us for the sale.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
January 10th - The House
January 10th - The House
Now there is another story. We have 30 years of living collected here, we never threw anything out from when I arrived in the US, because we kept moving to a bigger place.
We are going from a 3200 square feet house to a 2 bedroom apartment in New York, say 1200 square feet optimistically speaking…
We could throw everything out without looking, we could store many things (which I really don’t want),but what we are choosing to do is meticulously going through everything and sorting it all out.
Here in Austin (the South), the house has to be in immaculate condition to be put on the market, especially in this weak market.
This means repair, upgrading, painting, cleaning etc. Even the yard has to be clean cut, pruned, clean driveway, plant bushes, which, in winter time, is very challenging. Well, you get the picture.
We are also converting cassette to CD, LP’s to the computer, VHS to DVD and all pictures are scanned and put in the computer.
It is daunting, the amount of work.
Sarah has gone back to New York, her room here is practically empty, the guest room is “done”, our bedroom is getting there and so is Benjamin’s.
The kitchen? Well, that part of the house is more cluttered than ever, all things come out of drawers and cabinets and end up on the kitchen counter, where else……….?
Next Monday the painters come in, so most things need to be cleared out, walls empty.
Benjamin has begun polishing all the woodwork (lots!), which makes a big difference!
After all is said and done we need to clean and stretch the carpet.
So above is a description of the process we are going through. What really matters however, is that we are all deeply into letting go of our old lives, the way we used to be, and things. It is amazing how much memory things hold, sometimes precious, often times in the past and the past brings you back to the past. For all of us it is not always easy to let go and without a doubt, a lot of work.
The kids are sad to let go of the house they grew up in, I am mostly glad. The house has become a burden without a purpose.
I try not to think about New York too much, it is the unknown, working and living situation completely unclear, but, I try not to spend time worrying about it.
It is hard to write about the process now, we are in the middle of it. The information below is something I would request you hold in your prayers / affirmations and thoughts:
The house will sell soon, to a family with 2/4 kids, they have enough money to buy (lawyer, IT, Corporate) - mortgage no problem - and they are either re-locating to Austin or moving to a bigger house within Austin.
We like them and are almost sad we will not get to know them better.
But we are glad they are going to be enjoying the house we did: we have had good years here.
Schools have been checked out and therefore they specifically look in our area. The price is right and the whole sale goes very quickly, they love the house and can’t wait to move in.
Now there is another story. We have 30 years of living collected here, we never threw anything out from when I arrived in the US, because we kept moving to a bigger place.
We are going from a 3200 square feet house to a 2 bedroom apartment in New York, say 1200 square feet optimistically speaking…
We could throw everything out without looking, we could store many things (which I really don’t want),but what we are choosing to do is meticulously going through everything and sorting it all out.
Here in Austin (the South), the house has to be in immaculate condition to be put on the market, especially in this weak market.
This means repair, upgrading, painting, cleaning etc. Even the yard has to be clean cut, pruned, clean driveway, plant bushes, which, in winter time, is very challenging. Well, you get the picture.
We are also converting cassette to CD, LP’s to the computer, VHS to DVD and all pictures are scanned and put in the computer.
It is daunting, the amount of work.
Sarah has gone back to New York, her room here is practically empty, the guest room is “done”, our bedroom is getting there and so is Benjamin’s.
The kitchen? Well, that part of the house is more cluttered than ever, all things come out of drawers and cabinets and end up on the kitchen counter, where else……….?
Next Monday the painters come in, so most things need to be cleared out, walls empty.
Benjamin has begun polishing all the woodwork (lots!), which makes a big difference!
After all is said and done we need to clean and stretch the carpet.
So above is a description of the process we are going through. What really matters however, is that we are all deeply into letting go of our old lives, the way we used to be, and things. It is amazing how much memory things hold, sometimes precious, often times in the past and the past brings you back to the past. For all of us it is not always easy to let go and without a doubt, a lot of work.
The kids are sad to let go of the house they grew up in, I am mostly glad. The house has become a burden without a purpose.
I try not to think about New York too much, it is the unknown, working and living situation completely unclear, but, I try not to spend time worrying about it.
It is hard to write about the process now, we are in the middle of it. The information below is something I would request you hold in your prayers / affirmations and thoughts:
The house will sell soon, to a family with 2/4 kids, they have enough money to buy (lawyer, IT, Corporate) - mortgage no problem - and they are either re-locating to Austin or moving to a bigger house within Austin.
We like them and are almost sad we will not get to know them better.
But we are glad they are going to be enjoying the house we did: we have had good years here.
Schools have been checked out and therefore they specifically look in our area. The price is right and the whole sale goes very quickly, they love the house and can’t wait to move in.
Monday, January 24, 2011
January 3rd 2011 – The holidays
I had a delightful time, mostly because I was surrounded by people and animals I love.
Benjamin graduated in December and is now a biologist! Whilst he was in school, he spend most of his time at his girlfriends house, but since then they both have spend pretty much all their time here.
Sarah has come back from New York and is great company. Jeff, an old friend of 40 years, came a few days from Florida and Jeff, well, he is family.
Then Maya arrived and it completed the feeling of “fullness” in the house, which I love.
To top it off I have been fostering kittens from the Humane Society – two at the time – so everywhere you look there is often a kitten or a dog, delicious!
What made it such a good time? We had time (David took off work). Time to get up, have breakfast, explore a coffeeshop, run an errand, go to the gym or run in the park – the weather is glorious now – and sit around and talk or watch TV. Lots of catching up to do.
Our Christmas Holiday is relatively without pressure, in that we don’t have complicated family issues to deal with and most friends are with their own family. Once again I could not resist buying small presents for everyone, I just love looking, buying, wrapping and giving….and then Christmas morning…..
I actually feel enthousiasm to move to NY again and it looks like Benjamin wants to move there too!!
He does not know what he wants to do, maybe starting his masters degree next year, but he know he wants to leave Austin (finally!).
During the holiday time I received so many lovely cards and good wishes, that I was touched deeply by how many of you remembered me/us and felt a real booster for the coming year. I have not been able to answer all of you personally, but this way you can at least be informed.
Benjamin graduated in December and is now a biologist! Whilst he was in school, he spend most of his time at his girlfriends house, but since then they both have spend pretty much all their time here.
Sarah has come back from New York and is great company. Jeff, an old friend of 40 years, came a few days from Florida and Jeff, well, he is family.
Then Maya arrived and it completed the feeling of “fullness” in the house, which I love.
To top it off I have been fostering kittens from the Humane Society – two at the time – so everywhere you look there is often a kitten or a dog, delicious!
What made it such a good time? We had time (David took off work). Time to get up, have breakfast, explore a coffeeshop, run an errand, go to the gym or run in the park – the weather is glorious now – and sit around and talk or watch TV. Lots of catching up to do.
Our Christmas Holiday is relatively without pressure, in that we don’t have complicated family issues to deal with and most friends are with their own family. Once again I could not resist buying small presents for everyone, I just love looking, buying, wrapping and giving….and then Christmas morning…..
I actually feel enthousiasm to move to NY again and it looks like Benjamin wants to move there too!!
He does not know what he wants to do, maybe starting his masters degree next year, but he know he wants to leave Austin (finally!).
During the holiday time I received so many lovely cards and good wishes, that I was touched deeply by how many of you remembered me/us and felt a real booster for the coming year. I have not been able to answer all of you personally, but this way you can at least be informed.
October/November/December - Depression
Coming back from this trip, the stress and strain of accomplishing an undefined task and charting in unknown territory was extremely uncomfortable. I lost all momentum to move, read energy. Or to stay for that matter. The experience of this last trip to New York was painful in many ways, cumbersome, complicated and insanely hard work(day and night) and upon return I desperately needed to recuperate physically, emotionally and even professionally. My friendship with this old friend of 30 years had gotten a huge dent, but fortunately, has since then been pacified with a meaningful phonecall to some extent.
I began a most intimate relationship with depression once again and that in itself brought on despair and discouragement: will it ever end?
I fell, into a deep depression like I have not felt in many many years. I lost hope, vision and lacked energy. I found myself sitting and sitting, staring out, with no particular thought, but feeling hopeless and helpless.
I stopped eating. Stopped cooking. I lost track of time. Sometimes days went by without speaking to anyone. I dropped many things, broke more plates and cups than I had in years, walked into doors and constantly hurt myself “accidently”. Made a big tumble in the park and broke skin in 9 places. I could not stop crying, for no reason in particular.I could not sleep through the night, even with pills.
I also had a series of incidents before and during this time with friends. It was raining conflict and drama. Some I could explain, in that in retrospect, it looks like I was psychically turning over a new leaf in my book of life, but whilst in the middle, I felt utterly alone and sometimes ignored and misunderstood.
Some events happened out of the clear blue sky, although nothing ever happens that way…..I was critical, explosive and judgemental. Well, that will exit any friendship out the door.
The results were that I felt extremely lonely and people sense you are not in a good place and consequently, distance themselves.
All in all I was bio-chemically very unbalanced, I knew it, but the very state I was in, prevented me from doing anything about it. I asked myself over and over: ”What can I do? How do I get past this? Who can I turn to?”
It felt that I wrote the book on depression, with all the symptoms appearing.
As time moved on, I began thinking about the team of healers I have gathered in my life and started to call them. Some were completely useless in this particular situation, but what got me set on the right track was my therapist from New York who suggested homeopathy. I am not a fan of homeopathy, nor am I against it, but at that point in time, it was the only thing anyone suggested.
This homeopathist works on the phone and suggested an over-the-counter remedy; I felt better within the same week.
She explained to me that she works with the most recent trauma first – loosing friends – and progressively works backwards, which in my case was a hospital experience ( I had another stent put in ) and a huge car accident earlier this year (2010) and knee surgery before that.
I felt myself crawling out of a hole and even today feel on shaky ground. My fingers are cut from still breaking things, my tolerance is mediocre, but my energy is back and I do not feel out of control any longer.
Additionally, I work my own regiment : good people around me, good food, good music, meditation, affirmations, physical exercise, good smells (yes, important to me) etc
The jumpstart came during the Christmas week when all the kids were home. Even Maya came from England and we had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, eating drinking and be merry.
I began a most intimate relationship with depression once again and that in itself brought on despair and discouragement: will it ever end?
I fell, into a deep depression like I have not felt in many many years. I lost hope, vision and lacked energy. I found myself sitting and sitting, staring out, with no particular thought, but feeling hopeless and helpless.
I stopped eating. Stopped cooking. I lost track of time. Sometimes days went by without speaking to anyone. I dropped many things, broke more plates and cups than I had in years, walked into doors and constantly hurt myself “accidently”. Made a big tumble in the park and broke skin in 9 places. I could not stop crying, for no reason in particular.I could not sleep through the night, even with pills.
I also had a series of incidents before and during this time with friends. It was raining conflict and drama. Some I could explain, in that in retrospect, it looks like I was psychically turning over a new leaf in my book of life, but whilst in the middle, I felt utterly alone and sometimes ignored and misunderstood.
Some events happened out of the clear blue sky, although nothing ever happens that way…..I was critical, explosive and judgemental. Well, that will exit any friendship out the door.
The results were that I felt extremely lonely and people sense you are not in a good place and consequently, distance themselves.
All in all I was bio-chemically very unbalanced, I knew it, but the very state I was in, prevented me from doing anything about it. I asked myself over and over: ”What can I do? How do I get past this? Who can I turn to?”
It felt that I wrote the book on depression, with all the symptoms appearing.
As time moved on, I began thinking about the team of healers I have gathered in my life and started to call them. Some were completely useless in this particular situation, but what got me set on the right track was my therapist from New York who suggested homeopathy. I am not a fan of homeopathy, nor am I against it, but at that point in time, it was the only thing anyone suggested.
This homeopathist works on the phone and suggested an over-the-counter remedy; I felt better within the same week.
She explained to me that she works with the most recent trauma first – loosing friends – and progressively works backwards, which in my case was a hospital experience ( I had another stent put in ) and a huge car accident earlier this year (2010) and knee surgery before that.
I felt myself crawling out of a hole and even today feel on shaky ground. My fingers are cut from still breaking things, my tolerance is mediocre, but my energy is back and I do not feel out of control any longer.
Additionally, I work my own regiment : good people around me, good food, good music, meditation, affirmations, physical exercise, good smells (yes, important to me) etc
The jumpstart came during the Christmas week when all the kids were home. Even Maya came from England and we had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, eating drinking and be merry.
October 13th – The tour of Manhatten
We are sitting at the airport on our way back to Austin.
The tour turned out to be organized by “Corporate America” and the office, reminded me a lot of my days in the hotel business: the dress code, the lack of mindfulness towards people, the cutting remarks, the impatience clouded in kindness and all about making the buck (dollar).
The participants were nice, down to earth and I think they enjoyed themselves, although I realized I did not know nearly enough to be a good tour guide, even though I spend hours and hours preparing.
My partner, who invited me and is a friend of many years, absolutely did not inform me, help me, supported me. He has been in this business for 30 years, but for some reason or another just assumed I would “fall” into this.
Two things I learned about myself: how utterly uncomfortable it is for me to be doing something while not knowing what to do. To the point of nausea.
Secondly, the corporate world is not for me any longer. Where once it had a shine to it, the glamour of riding limousines and dressing up, now feels violating and I actually felt abused and battered afterwards.
What did we see on the tour? Like usual on tours,everything feels like a flash and herding 45 people in and out of a bus on a schedule is like herding cats in the jungle. If you want to read about New York City, read the following paragraphs:
First day: “orientation tour” which was pretty much up to me, which came as a shock. I had assumed I would get instructions on where to take them and when, but none of that. So, where to take them? I ended up driving around and walking “Ground Zero” (which is largely a big construction site at the moment) and having coffee at my beloved Union Square, where there are more cafes you can count and a delicious market.
Second Day: A walk through Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum. Needless to say, the Dutchies started wandering off and we arrived just in time to meet our guide at the Met. Once again I was awestruck by the enormity of it all. We saw, amongst other things, some amazing Rembrandts and Vermeers I had never seen – work related to the girl with the pearl earring - , not to mention the 3000 year old Egyptian Temple. At the request of one of our guests they also showed us American Art (there is an American Wing), which many of use tend to forget about altogether.
I will skip all the lunches and dinners we had, most of the restaurants were around Time Square, an experience in itself and much changed since I lived here.
Third Day: Skyscraper tour. I studied to get all the dates and facts under my belt of places like the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building and the likes, but in the end we ended up going to the Highline, an architectural gem. Old train tracks that were raised above the city in the 30ties to avoid accidents with cars and pedestrians, are now converted in a delicious walkway with trees, flowers, grasses and of course, a view. It is now 20 blocks long, but will be extended another ten, as far as the old tracks run, all protected and funded by “the friends of the Highline”, which are simply concerned citizens who want greenery.
Afterwards a wonderful Helicopter Tour and yes, I got to go too!!Lovely, interesting, gives you real perspective.
Fourth Day: Harlem. We had an African American tour guide and if you ever wondered what reverse racism is, there it was.
Some people have decided that the world is created by and for black people and that the whites are coming to Harlem to see how it is done. They looked down on us and were rude and demeaning.
I was to translate what she said, but she had no interest in that,
She just carried on, so much of the tour got lost to those who did not speak a lot of (black American) English.
(yes, amazingly, at least 25% of the people ( Achterhoek ) did not speak any English and many more only” book- English”).
And Harlem? Some parts are attractive, tree lined and upgraded, many areas are still showing the run down and dangers of not so long ago past.
At night we herded them on a boat, which was more like a floating Carnival with loud music, raffles and contests. The part that was surprisingly moving for me, was unexpectedly, to be very very close to the Statue of Liberty,seen from the water, what a beauty indeed and since I know more history, it is more meaningful . Did you know this was originally a gift from France to Egypt and was supposed to have stood by the Suez Canal? Egypt could not afford it, so France decided to give it to the US, who could pay for the base and transportation.
The tour turned out to be organized by “Corporate America” and the office, reminded me a lot of my days in the hotel business: the dress code, the lack of mindfulness towards people, the cutting remarks, the impatience clouded in kindness and all about making the buck (dollar).
The participants were nice, down to earth and I think they enjoyed themselves, although I realized I did not know nearly enough to be a good tour guide, even though I spend hours and hours preparing.
My partner, who invited me and is a friend of many years, absolutely did not inform me, help me, supported me. He has been in this business for 30 years, but for some reason or another just assumed I would “fall” into this.
Two things I learned about myself: how utterly uncomfortable it is for me to be doing something while not knowing what to do. To the point of nausea.
Secondly, the corporate world is not for me any longer. Where once it had a shine to it, the glamour of riding limousines and dressing up, now feels violating and I actually felt abused and battered afterwards.
What did we see on the tour? Like usual on tours,everything feels like a flash and herding 45 people in and out of a bus on a schedule is like herding cats in the jungle. If you want to read about New York City, read the following paragraphs:
First day: “orientation tour” which was pretty much up to me, which came as a shock. I had assumed I would get instructions on where to take them and when, but none of that. So, where to take them? I ended up driving around and walking “Ground Zero” (which is largely a big construction site at the moment) and having coffee at my beloved Union Square, where there are more cafes you can count and a delicious market.
Second Day: A walk through Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum. Needless to say, the Dutchies started wandering off and we arrived just in time to meet our guide at the Met. Once again I was awestruck by the enormity of it all. We saw, amongst other things, some amazing Rembrandts and Vermeers I had never seen – work related to the girl with the pearl earring - , not to mention the 3000 year old Egyptian Temple. At the request of one of our guests they also showed us American Art (there is an American Wing), which many of use tend to forget about altogether.
I will skip all the lunches and dinners we had, most of the restaurants were around Time Square, an experience in itself and much changed since I lived here.
Third Day: Skyscraper tour. I studied to get all the dates and facts under my belt of places like the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building and the likes, but in the end we ended up going to the Highline, an architectural gem. Old train tracks that were raised above the city in the 30ties to avoid accidents with cars and pedestrians, are now converted in a delicious walkway with trees, flowers, grasses and of course, a view. It is now 20 blocks long, but will be extended another ten, as far as the old tracks run, all protected and funded by “the friends of the Highline”, which are simply concerned citizens who want greenery.
Afterwards a wonderful Helicopter Tour and yes, I got to go too!!Lovely, interesting, gives you real perspective.
Fourth Day: Harlem. We had an African American tour guide and if you ever wondered what reverse racism is, there it was.
Some people have decided that the world is created by and for black people and that the whites are coming to Harlem to see how it is done. They looked down on us and were rude and demeaning.
I was to translate what she said, but she had no interest in that,
She just carried on, so much of the tour got lost to those who did not speak a lot of (black American) English.
(yes, amazingly, at least 25% of the people ( Achterhoek ) did not speak any English and many more only” book- English”).
And Harlem? Some parts are attractive, tree lined and upgraded, many areas are still showing the run down and dangers of not so long ago past.
At night we herded them on a boat, which was more like a floating Carnival with loud music, raffles and contests. The part that was surprisingly moving for me, was unexpectedly, to be very very close to the Statue of Liberty,seen from the water, what a beauty indeed and since I know more history, it is more meaningful . Did you know this was originally a gift from France to Egypt and was supposed to have stood by the Suez Canal? Egypt could not afford it, so France decided to give it to the US, who could pay for the base and transportation.
October 3rd – A month later
The leak is fixed, I am scheduled to have tiles in the bathroom Thursday, the trees are partly cut and need more work next week, planned for several bids for a painter for the whole house and the cracks in the outside wall are closed.
Meantime we bought a machine that can copy all our VHS to DVD, found a person who can copy audio cassettes and records into CD’s.
Lots of furniture was donated to people who lost their homes by ways of the hurricane (little Katrina indeed) just north of us and Benjamin has sold many electronics that had just been standing around without being used.
And so it goes and much more to do.
I got a job offer in New York to be a tour guide for a group of contractors (aannemers) for 5 days, David scheduled some work around the same period and we found a beautiful apartment on the 52nd floor with a view to die for. Right near where we originally met, 38th street. Serendipidous…..
Meantime we bought a machine that can copy all our VHS to DVD, found a person who can copy audio cassettes and records into CD’s.
Lots of furniture was donated to people who lost their homes by ways of the hurricane (little Katrina indeed) just north of us and Benjamin has sold many electronics that had just been standing around without being used.
And so it goes and much more to do.
I got a job offer in New York to be a tour guide for a group of contractors (aannemers) for 5 days, David scheduled some work around the same period and we found a beautiful apartment on the 52nd floor with a view to die for. Right near where we originally met, 38th street. Serendipidous…..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)