August 15th - what about me?

August 15th – What about me?


Ever since my youngest daughter was approaching the upper classes in high school, I began to think about my life without children. I would talk about that in the gym with other mothers, at school gatherings and parties. Most mothers dreaded the upcoming emptiness, as did I.
Not only was I debating my professional life, but also my physical life: where did I want to live if I was not tied in to schools?

Most of you already know that I began to travel to find answers. First the Westcoast, then Denver, four months in Europe and now, New York.

I have found some answers, at least for the time being. New York it is,
I feel I can have a life here, be inspired, stimulated and find friends. Oddly, I do not feel so out of sorts here as I do in Austin, even though and because, many people are out of sorts here.

Courage

Many people tell me how courageous I am for going to New York, all by myself. I think they are right. I see myself stepping about, alone, exploring, with very few resources and many a time I went out of my body and looked at me and said; you are one brave 62 year old!

I feel brave when people challenge me, like cutting me off, push me, jump the line or step on my foot and break my shoe! or call me names for no apparent reason and I keep my cool. At such moments, being alone is hard, with no one to talk to.

I feel brave when yet one more time I have to find my way to some address or other because I am meeting someone and the subway is an altogether different ride than what I am ”used to”.

I feel brave when I walk about in radiant sunshine at an attractive streetfair and see fresh lemonade and crepes being made and funky hats and beautiful handbags being sold.
At such a moment being alone is hard for me as well, no one to talk to.

But the braver part of me has a lot to do with leaving my kids behind, my husband and my dogs. I miss the connection with them painfully and ironically, however hard I try, it is so hard to maintain connection by electronics alone.It is a great source of awareness and sadness at the same time.