August 28th - Meditation, Clarity and Joy
It is almost a week ago now that Sarah moved into her dorm. I did not realize how worried I was about the whole process (as much for me as for her) but now that all is well – her room looks great, her roommate is sweet, the building a gem – I can relax again.She had her first classes, so far so good.
I actually meditate, I feel clear about the next step and thoroughly enjoy the city once more.
I am very grateful that I am able to do this ( thank you David! ) and also delighted that actually the whole family (I think I may include Maya here) is excited about this move. Both Benjamin and David thanked me for being so bold….
So, 10 days to go. David will come next week,we hope to go find a beach, I will continue my Italian lessons till I leave, as well as my Feldenkreis classes. The latter has been very interesting and more and more am I leaning towards learning about the nervous system and healing in a different way, I believe I am onto something.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
August 22nd - She is leaving home, bye bye
August 22nd – She is leaving home, bye bye
When I walk the streets of Manhatten, trying to find my way, not knowing many people, realizing once more that if I dropped dead, nobody would know. It reminds me of my time in Paris, right after high school, when I roamed the streets, utterly alone, somewhat scared – I should have been more scared – and lost. And my time in Antwerp last winter, where I literally knew nobody when I got there. Both there and here, I live in a neighborhood of what we politically correct call, “a minority neighborhood”, which means that connecting locally is difficult, largely because I don’t speak Spanish or Arabic.
Anyhow, Sarah is moving into her dorm tomorrow. This week we spend shopping for all the things a young woman needs in a completely empty apartment.
Well, what is “need?”
I have never in my life bought so many diffenet household items in one go. We are shopping together with the rest of the population, what mahem. I knew New York has a ton of colleges, but I never realized what shopping in this time-period would mean; thousand of parents with kids on the go…… She is sharing her space with 3 other girls, this will be a whole new experience, small quarters with 4 girls from different backgrounds, cultures and age.
I am not looking forward to being alone again. I will be here for another two weeks, things still need to be organized and dealt with and I really enjoyed having her here.
I do not enjoy living alone, although I am getting very tired of living in another person’s house.
I am dreading the next few months. Getting the house ready is a huge job (repairing, selling stuff,etc), but more importantly, then what?
I have lived between two worlds and that will still continue for some months to come.
I am sad, worried and displaced.
When I walk the streets of Manhatten, trying to find my way, not knowing many people, realizing once more that if I dropped dead, nobody would know. It reminds me of my time in Paris, right after high school, when I roamed the streets, utterly alone, somewhat scared – I should have been more scared – and lost. And my time in Antwerp last winter, where I literally knew nobody when I got there. Both there and here, I live in a neighborhood of what we politically correct call, “a minority neighborhood”, which means that connecting locally is difficult, largely because I don’t speak Spanish or Arabic.
Anyhow, Sarah is moving into her dorm tomorrow. This week we spend shopping for all the things a young woman needs in a completely empty apartment.
Well, what is “need?”
I have never in my life bought so many diffenet household items in one go. We are shopping together with the rest of the population, what mahem. I knew New York has a ton of colleges, but I never realized what shopping in this time-period would mean; thousand of parents with kids on the go…… She is sharing her space with 3 other girls, this will be a whole new experience, small quarters with 4 girls from different backgrounds, cultures and age.
I am not looking forward to being alone again. I will be here for another two weeks, things still need to be organized and dealt with and I really enjoyed having her here.
I do not enjoy living alone, although I am getting very tired of living in another person’s house.
I am dreading the next few months. Getting the house ready is a huge job (repairing, selling stuff,etc), but more importantly, then what?
I have lived between two worlds and that will still continue for some months to come.
I am sad, worried and displaced.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
August 15th - what about me?
August 15th – What about me?
Ever since my youngest daughter was approaching the upper classes in high school, I began to think about my life without children. I would talk about that in the gym with other mothers, at school gatherings and parties. Most mothers dreaded the upcoming emptiness, as did I.
Not only was I debating my professional life, but also my physical life: where did I want to live if I was not tied in to schools?
Most of you already know that I began to travel to find answers. First the Westcoast, then Denver, four months in Europe and now, New York.
I have found some answers, at least for the time being. New York it is,
I feel I can have a life here, be inspired, stimulated and find friends. Oddly, I do not feel so out of sorts here as I do in Austin, even though and because, many people are out of sorts here.
Courage
Many people tell me how courageous I am for going to New York, all by myself. I think they are right. I see myself stepping about, alone, exploring, with very few resources and many a time I went out of my body and looked at me and said; you are one brave 62 year old!
I feel brave when people challenge me, like cutting me off, push me, jump the line or step on my foot and break my shoe! or call me names for no apparent reason and I keep my cool. At such moments, being alone is hard, with no one to talk to.
I feel brave when yet one more time I have to find my way to some address or other because I am meeting someone and the subway is an altogether different ride than what I am ”used to”.
I feel brave when I walk about in radiant sunshine at an attractive streetfair and see fresh lemonade and crepes being made and funky hats and beautiful handbags being sold.
At such a moment being alone is hard for me as well, no one to talk to.
But the braver part of me has a lot to do with leaving my kids behind, my husband and my dogs. I miss the connection with them painfully and ironically, however hard I try, it is so hard to maintain connection by electronics alone.It is a great source of awareness and sadness at the same time.
Ever since my youngest daughter was approaching the upper classes in high school, I began to think about my life without children. I would talk about that in the gym with other mothers, at school gatherings and parties. Most mothers dreaded the upcoming emptiness, as did I.
Not only was I debating my professional life, but also my physical life: where did I want to live if I was not tied in to schools?
Most of you already know that I began to travel to find answers. First the Westcoast, then Denver, four months in Europe and now, New York.
I have found some answers, at least for the time being. New York it is,
I feel I can have a life here, be inspired, stimulated and find friends. Oddly, I do not feel so out of sorts here as I do in Austin, even though and because, many people are out of sorts here.
Courage
Many people tell me how courageous I am for going to New York, all by myself. I think they are right. I see myself stepping about, alone, exploring, with very few resources and many a time I went out of my body and looked at me and said; you are one brave 62 year old!
I feel brave when people challenge me, like cutting me off, push me, jump the line or step on my foot and break my shoe! or call me names for no apparent reason and I keep my cool. At such moments, being alone is hard, with no one to talk to.
I feel brave when yet one more time I have to find my way to some address or other because I am meeting someone and the subway is an altogether different ride than what I am ”used to”.
I feel brave when I walk about in radiant sunshine at an attractive streetfair and see fresh lemonade and crepes being made and funky hats and beautiful handbags being sold.
At such a moment being alone is hard for me as well, no one to talk to.
But the braver part of me has a lot to do with leaving my kids behind, my husband and my dogs. I miss the connection with them painfully and ironically, however hard I try, it is so hard to maintain connection by electronics alone.It is a great source of awareness and sadness at the same time.
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 10th - Between worlds
August 10 – Between Worlds
We ( I ) decided that the best course of action is for me to go back to Austin, fix up the house – tiles in bathroom, paint etc – pack and put the house on the market.
I was beginning to feel I was jumping the gun and need to complete my life in Austin before I start here.
This is hard, since I was already on a roll, created friendships, went networking for work, looked at places to work at, got to know the city and the real estate issues in different places etc.
So we let go of the apartment we found and I am not looking any longer, until I come back here.
Meanwhile I am eager to start the work on the house in Austin, but Sarah will be here next week and my last project will start then: launching her into her new life as a student here!
David was here for a week ,we had a great time and he is motivated to come here as well.
Benjamin was here last week and totally fell in love with being here. I dare say it was life changing for him, he said he found something of himself here, he had forgotten. Wether or not he will do his masters here is another story, we are hoping that when he graduates in December, he will do something totally different first in another part of the world.
Meanwhile I am still doing Feldenkreis classes and found someone who is teaching me Italian is return for coaching.It is keeping me somewhat busy.
!
So much to say about this city, all of it has been said before and better . One thing is worth mentioning: if you thought that Times Square had a lot of light, you ain’t seen nothing yet! They converted 10 blocks in a no-car zone, made one big outdoor seating area out of it and created a sea of light. Movies are playing, ads (of course), news, feedback shows taped on the square via cameras, it is just mind-boggling. My poor brain must have been working so hard to take it all in ,although we enjoyed it thoroughly. The waste of enrgy is not in discussion here at the moment……
Did I mention we caught an outdoor show at Linclon Center by the Asylum Street Spankers(Austin band)? They are fantastic, professional and very funny,go see and hear them if you can!
Benjamin and I took the Staten Island Ferry up and down, so much water here, delicious.We also had the best bagel ever and some serious chinees food in Chinatown!
An old over-the-city-railroad track has become a 20-block promenade with flowers,bushes,trees, seating and views. There is so much contrast from beautiful to ugly, from poor to rich and friendly to nasty and obnoxious.
Magical….
We ( I ) decided that the best course of action is for me to go back to Austin, fix up the house – tiles in bathroom, paint etc – pack and put the house on the market.
I was beginning to feel I was jumping the gun and need to complete my life in Austin before I start here.
This is hard, since I was already on a roll, created friendships, went networking for work, looked at places to work at, got to know the city and the real estate issues in different places etc.
So we let go of the apartment we found and I am not looking any longer, until I come back here.
Meanwhile I am eager to start the work on the house in Austin, but Sarah will be here next week and my last project will start then: launching her into her new life as a student here!
David was here for a week ,we had a great time and he is motivated to come here as well.
Benjamin was here last week and totally fell in love with being here. I dare say it was life changing for him, he said he found something of himself here, he had forgotten. Wether or not he will do his masters here is another story, we are hoping that when he graduates in December, he will do something totally different first in another part of the world.
Meanwhile I am still doing Feldenkreis classes and found someone who is teaching me Italian is return for coaching.It is keeping me somewhat busy.
!
So much to say about this city, all of it has been said before and better . One thing is worth mentioning: if you thought that Times Square had a lot of light, you ain’t seen nothing yet! They converted 10 blocks in a no-car zone, made one big outdoor seating area out of it and created a sea of light. Movies are playing, ads (of course), news, feedback shows taped on the square via cameras, it is just mind-boggling. My poor brain must have been working so hard to take it all in ,although we enjoyed it thoroughly. The waste of enrgy is not in discussion here at the moment……
Did I mention we caught an outdoor show at Linclon Center by the Asylum Street Spankers(Austin band)? They are fantastic, professional and very funny,go see and hear them if you can!
Benjamin and I took the Staten Island Ferry up and down, so much water here, delicious.We also had the best bagel ever and some serious chinees food in Chinatown!
An old over-the-city-railroad track has become a 20-block promenade with flowers,bushes,trees, seating and views. There is so much contrast from beautiful to ugly, from poor to rich and friendly to nasty and obnoxious.
Magical….
Saturday, July 31, 2010
July 31st - I am in love again
July 31st - I am in love again
Yes, with all my loved ones, but also with New York.
Miraculously, New York has done its work on me and I now feel completely at home as well as excited to be here.
The dirt and noise have become background in some places, even the poverty has taken its rightful a place in my mind, although the behavior in the subway is still offensive to me. Ironically, people seem to be very nice overall, but in public transportation, all evil comes out. From physically obnoxious, to verbal abuse.
David is here now and we both are really enjoying the city. Benjamin arrived tonight and he is already thrilled to be here.
The weather has been great, that helps, but we have also been struck by the beauty and variety of it all. I understand why so many songs were written about this city; people (I) want to capture in words what the sizzle is all about.
We found an apartment we really like, which brought up finances, relationship, the future of our lives, our kids future, etc.
We talked up a storm and will decide in the next few days. If we had sold the house already we would feel different, but that project still needs to be tackled
Which brings me to this: should anyone know of anyone , who might be interested, please send them our way, we are ready to sell!
Yes, with all my loved ones, but also with New York.
Miraculously, New York has done its work on me and I now feel completely at home as well as excited to be here.
The dirt and noise have become background in some places, even the poverty has taken its rightful a place in my mind, although the behavior in the subway is still offensive to me. Ironically, people seem to be very nice overall, but in public transportation, all evil comes out. From physically obnoxious, to verbal abuse.
David is here now and we both are really enjoying the city. Benjamin arrived tonight and he is already thrilled to be here.
The weather has been great, that helps, but we have also been struck by the beauty and variety of it all. I understand why so many songs were written about this city; people (I) want to capture in words what the sizzle is all about.
We found an apartment we really like, which brought up finances, relationship, the future of our lives, our kids future, etc.
We talked up a storm and will decide in the next few days. If we had sold the house already we would feel different, but that project still needs to be tackled
Which brings me to this: should anyone know of anyone , who might be interested, please send them our way, we are ready to sell!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
July 26th - Grand Central
July 26th Grand Central
In awe I enter the grand hall
The central hall, the center
Might this be the heart of the city?
Where all and everybody meet
And do not meet, can see
And see not of each other
Blindly on the way.
And yet, my favorite space
where sounds and rhythms
mix and mingle, clatter of heels
and chatter of people,
like a concert ,composed
until a player burst out
in laughter or anger
and quickly looks around to check
and falls back into measure
and tempo and dynamics
on what we all agreed on
the right one for us all.
Kids and feelings hang around
out of step, legato, allegro, random
as it were, and unaware
in cris cros patterns
I feel stories behind bodies,
everyone is coming from somewhere
and going places, for better or worse
for joy and tragedy
Suddenly I overcome with love
for them, humanity and a profound
kinship with all life
I see the play, the form in which
We can develop a route to go
A job to find, to do
And see so many opportunities
And possibilities to serve
While in the end to serve is to be glad
Fulfilled and in the end
The way to find oneself
In awe I enter the grand hall
The central hall, the center
Might this be the heart of the city?
Where all and everybody meet
And do not meet, can see
And see not of each other
Blindly on the way.
And yet, my favorite space
where sounds and rhythms
mix and mingle, clatter of heels
and chatter of people,
like a concert ,composed
until a player burst out
in laughter or anger
and quickly looks around to check
and falls back into measure
and tempo and dynamics
on what we all agreed on
the right one for us all.
Kids and feelings hang around
out of step, legato, allegro, random
as it were, and unaware
in cris cros patterns
I feel stories behind bodies,
everyone is coming from somewhere
and going places, for better or worse
for joy and tragedy
Suddenly I overcome with love
for them, humanity and a profound
kinship with all life
I see the play, the form in which
We can develop a route to go
A job to find, to do
And see so many opportunities
And possibilities to serve
While in the end to serve is to be glad
Fulfilled and in the end
The way to find oneself
Monday, July 19, 2010
July 19th – Holding the Vision
July 19th – Holding the Vision
It has been difficult to do so, in part because of my own experiences, but largely because of people around me.
Some friends from when I lived here before, have been incessantly discouraging, negative and even intimidating. Numerous brokers tell me I cannot and will not be able to find what I describe as what I am looking for in the ways of living space.
Except for my real friends in Austin, many have declared me insane way back when, it shows in the way they look, or say “really”?
Paul Coelho writes in his precious book “The Alchemist” (recommend!!):
“Every second of the search is an encounter with god. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, everyday has been luminous, because I’ve known that every hour was a part of the dream, that I would find it. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I’ve discovered things along the way that I never would have seen had I not had the courage the try things that seemed impossible to achieve.”
Well, I could not have said it any better. Feel free to support me in any way that seems right to you, email, telephone or in prayer.
This is not an easy time, but I am certainly glad I am doing it.
So we had another heat wave, which feels hotter than Austin, because you are in it all the time, from subway to subway, by foot to the store, a few more blocks to….etc
Feldenkreis is growing on me. Did I say I go to classes at The F-Institute 4-5 times a week? It is somewhat mysterious initially, but I am beginning to see rhyme and reason into it, but I will keep you informed.
Yesterday I sailed up the Hudson River with the sailboat build and re-created by Pet Seeger: The Clearwater. It is a sail boat that is mostly used to teach people about environmental issues – come aboard - and in particular in how to keep the Hudson River clean. It was a historical experience, bloody hot at that, gorgeous sunset and in company of a bunch of very committed and poor people.
The crew lives on the boat in close (close close) quarters and are a refreshing breed that feels like left over from the 60ties.
Saw an amazing apartment, with all the luxuries you might want,including space and the capacity to bring our furniture, a townhouse really, in New Jersey, which brings up the question on wether to choose space or Manhatten? Westchester or Manhatten?
I am sure this question will stay with me a while……………
It has been difficult to do so, in part because of my own experiences, but largely because of people around me.
Some friends from when I lived here before, have been incessantly discouraging, negative and even intimidating. Numerous brokers tell me I cannot and will not be able to find what I describe as what I am looking for in the ways of living space.
Except for my real friends in Austin, many have declared me insane way back when, it shows in the way they look, or say “really”?
Paul Coelho writes in his precious book “The Alchemist” (recommend!!):
“Every second of the search is an encounter with god. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, everyday has been luminous, because I’ve known that every hour was a part of the dream, that I would find it. When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I’ve discovered things along the way that I never would have seen had I not had the courage the try things that seemed impossible to achieve.”
Well, I could not have said it any better. Feel free to support me in any way that seems right to you, email, telephone or in prayer.
This is not an easy time, but I am certainly glad I am doing it.
So we had another heat wave, which feels hotter than Austin, because you are in it all the time, from subway to subway, by foot to the store, a few more blocks to….etc
Feldenkreis is growing on me. Did I say I go to classes at The F-Institute 4-5 times a week? It is somewhat mysterious initially, but I am beginning to see rhyme and reason into it, but I will keep you informed.
Yesterday I sailed up the Hudson River with the sailboat build and re-created by Pet Seeger: The Clearwater. It is a sail boat that is mostly used to teach people about environmental issues – come aboard - and in particular in how to keep the Hudson River clean. It was a historical experience, bloody hot at that, gorgeous sunset and in company of a bunch of very committed and poor people.
The crew lives on the boat in close (close close) quarters and are a refreshing breed that feels like left over from the 60ties.
Saw an amazing apartment, with all the luxuries you might want,including space and the capacity to bring our furniture, a townhouse really, in New Jersey, which brings up the question on wether to choose space or Manhatten? Westchester or Manhatten?
I am sure this question will stay with me a while……………
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