Wednesday, December 30, 2009

December 27th - Family

December 27th – Family

They have landed upon me!
After being on my own, relying on myself since October 28th, it is shocking to be constantly surrounded by people, my family. We are 6 people at the moment in small a 2-bedroom apartment in the center of Antwerp.
My space is invaded, the organized fashion with which I ran my life, gone, the sleeping when I wanted, sounds when I wanted, activities when I wanted, gone gone gone……….
Now, my mind is cluttered with shopping, cooking and touristy things to do.
And I love it .
Welcome it.
I feel like a different person, enriched, fuller, irritated and joyful.

What a learning. In spite of the complications of having grown kids who do not need you anymore, we love being around each other. I felt filled with love for them, for what they are trying out in their lives and felt honored that they choose to be with me/us.
It made me realize that at the moment I do not want to be on a different continent from them, even though my stepdaughter and family is unfortunatelyhere in Europe.
These bi-continental decisions will never happen without loss, I simply will have to be in both places

Our Christmas was great with doing nothing but eat delicious food and hang out.
During the day I share lots of pretty places (cafes and good coffee!) and at night we are playing games, read , talk. The TV has conked out over a week ago, so no
escape there, although truth be told, I miss it: BBC, French, German, Holland, Arabic, Italian, Spanish, 37 channels in 9 languages!Delightful.

Antwerp is showing off its best looks. Lights everywhere, shops open, festivals, gluewein(warm wine), fireplaces and lamps on the outdoor terraces, and a big skating rink, smack in the center of town. Today the kids wanted to go skating, but it was so jampacked, we decided against it. Tomorrow should be better….

Saturday, December 19, 2009

December 19th - Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

20 December – Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Well, someone was listening to that song, we had 6 inches of snow here, which is very unusual. It is minus 11 degrees C / 15 degrees F (will warm up some next week) and normally Belgium is around 8 degrees C / low forties F at this time.

It was beautiful, even mesmerizing, white snow, on rooftops, cars, streets, trees, truly winter wonderland as in a postcard. It went on and on, Thursday the 17th. I went out, it was the kind of snow you want to kick up, pick up, throw around and be playful with and you actually heard your feet go crunch crunch

Now, Saturday night, the cold is breathtaking, 15 degrees or thereabouts.
The roads are hard to negotiate, it has all become ice, even around the corner to get bread, or else other parts where cars drive, have turned into mush

Tonight I went to an outdoor party around the corner, it is amazing how many people come out, eat , drink (warm wine everywhere!) and be merry, in spite of the cold.
Apparently it is snowing again tomorrow, which means it will be a tat warmer, so far the sky has been stark blue and crisp, very very beautiful. It has been a long time since snow…..New York probably.

This afternoon I went to a “city meditation”, which was very interesting. The teacher encouraged everyone to perceive cities by energy and we were asked which place here we felt most attracted to and why. Good little exercise for anyone anywhere!
Met some really cool people, went out for coffee, geez, if felt like I finally found a connection. Later we all took a Tarot class; it re-kindled my old love for the cards, I actually even brought them with me.

Coming back to my comment in the last posting:
The interview I had, was conducted by someone who works for the city of Antwerp and is looking for ways to improve tourism. She found me on a website for travelers. It was very pleasant, nice young woman.

EMDR has to do with Rapid Eye Movement, the kind of stuff you do when you are in Rem sleep.
I had my session, but did not notice anything different (insomnia and tinnitus)

Monday, December 14, 2009

December 14th - France

December 14th France

Amazing to be there within a few hours . I love seeing and hearing French, seeing beautiful castles on the way to anywhere, pretty villages with cobblestones and flowers (still!), all lined with what they call Christmas Markets and skating rinks in the center of town
My host is the father of a dear friend of mine, my very first au-pair in New York in fact, and we were treated to culinary delights with no end!
Saturday we went to the sea, ah yes, the Mediterrenean, what beauty!
The weather was calm, cool and sunny and the sun was lying on the sea like a solid path.

I walk on the water towards the sun
To the horizon that never comes
Nowhere to rest, from sound and shakes
The restless sleep, so help me god


The coast there is much like Oregon, boulders in the water and some coves here and there.Completely mesmerizing
Sunday the cold set in, it is now -2 degrees, which is some freezing

Tonight, Monday the 14th, I returned to Antwerp and much to my surprised enjoyed “coming home”.

Tomorrow I will be interviewed about something…by someone…go to the gym and have a session on EMDR, will explain more


December 11th - Living with

December11th - Living with

A beautiful city, lights, entertainment (Nutcracker, Candide (Bernstein) and two people I have become friends with.
The weather has been relatively easy to take, just here and there a rain day, but today (and yesterday) the sun is out and the temperature is mild.
They spoke of a white Xmas though!
The city has morphed into a sea of lights, markets, entertainment and the terraces are heated, lots of people out and about.
I didn’t know Xmas was such a big deal here, shops open and of course fireworks.
That is the biggest deal of all, I believe pretty much everywhere in Europe
Here there will be a big display on the big river (Schelde)
Later today I will catch a plane to the South of France!

Monday, December 7, 2009

December 7th - Living without

December 7th Living without

Since the robbery I still don’t have any credit cards, debit cards, pin codes and the likes. So I still cannot pull money out of the wall or a plastic card out of my pocket.
In part by choice (most of them arrived in the US) and in part because of where I live. If delivered, I have a tiny mailbox and lord knows where I would have to get the mail…
It is a very sobering experience, living with cash only. It keeps the wallet closed a lot more, expenses down and makes you think more sharply on what you are about to spend when you have to deliver right there and then.

I also live without an endless supply of water, heat and car! I walk everywhere, wait for trams and subways and I am dependent on public transportation with all its challenges.

More confronting is the lack of structure in my life. I used to have full and busy days, now I have not.
It is very difficult for me and is not getting easier. So I give myself errands, go to the gym, plan for Christmas, try and meet people, just so I can feel I belong to something or someone, which I do not.

The hardest of all is to live without friends or family.
The owners of the gym are the only two people I have become friends with.
Not because I have not tried, but Belgians are (so far) not interested in extending contact, or even striking up a conversation. The extend to which that is true, has been quiet shocking to me. Walk into the dressing room at the gym, you say hello and do not get an answer. You do not get an answer. Or in the elevator, even when they know you. Let alone in stores, on trams, in restaurants.
It is eerie, when you know people see you, look at you and yet, do not speak to you..
One might argue, this is a culture of total disconnect and on the surface that is true. On a more profound level it is not true at all, on the contrary, People are very comitted and loyal, but it takes a lot of time to get there, so for foreigners, this does not work well.

Well, you guessed right! I am not having a very good time, although I am learning a lot and I am sure at a later date I will understand more about my time in Antwerp, including walking in the rain all day............
Meanwhile, I am looking forward to my family coming for Christmas and in January I am moving to Amsterdam for a while.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dec 2nd Coming Home

December 2nd Coming Home

This past weekend I went to Amsterdam and felt like coming home. Maybe because I have felt alienated in Antwerp, maybe because I saw family and friends, maybe because nobody here is in the slightest interested in meeting me. I do not take that personal, it seems to be the Belgian way. Nobody talks to you, even when you say a friendly hello or ask a question.

I don’t know if that is any better in Amsterdam, but it was like getting a warm bath of connections, since I already have those.
It made me wonder what “ home “ really means and I have to conclude, it is where the people you love, live. That realization has become very clear, and at the same time, I think I could build a life anywhere if I choose, that too has become clear.
But I do not, I will go where my friends and family are.

I found an apartment in Amsterdam – I am so relieved! - and will be living there for a while after the New Year.The family is coming from Austin around Xmas, so they can help me move. Ironically, I have accumulated some clothes, but mainly kitchen gear, spices etc

Then something strange happened. After a long weekend in Amsterdam, spiritually rejuvenated, I took the train back to Antwerp. It was a beautiful day, blue sky (yes, they do exist here too occasionally…) and the meadows were sunny and hazy, even the cows, horses and sheep looked pleased. – beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, n’est ce pas?
When I got of train, someone asked me the way to the buses, and once again I felt like coming home. I made a direct walk to the tram, saw the familiar spots and was awed by the fact that one can “own” a city this fast.
I had found that to be true this summer in Denver, where I rented an apartment for a week and felt at home real fast.
Am I the gypsy who can be at home on the road? Thinking about that one

Next I put the key in the door, and much to my surprise the cat, I call her Queenie because she acts like it, was so excited to see me, she could not stop crying and practically walked underfoot, to try and get even closer]
So far we have had a very edgy relationship (she has with everyone), she tends to lash out and growl at the slightest move she perceives as threatening.
Talking about coming home, I will actually miss her!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

November 24th - What can I live without?

November 24th

“What can you live without”
(Inspired by Oprah Winfrey, whilst on the treadmill)

Most of you know we live in a house of 3200 sq feet
We have walk in closets, pool, too many rooms to occupy, too much of everything

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment, with a suitcase of clothes and I love the smaller space. What I miss is the outside, no balcony or yard.

So I ask myself, what do I miss or more positively, what can I live without?
Europe brings back to me how much we waste in the US and this question has become very important
So much I can do without, it is shocking and somewhat embarrassing, I need very little in the ways of things. ( I did buy some hats and scarfs and leggings! )

Interestingly, I do not want to live without my computer, it keeps me connected to all of you. Every so often I also watch a (black and white!) TV, which I enjoy, but could do without.
Can’t top the BBC and the National Geographic Channel!

I went to a concert in the Rubens House:(Rubens the painter)
An 8 year old and an 18 year old playing Chopin and Beethoven in a building from the 16th century, cobblestones, paintings, garden, the works
I can do without it, but really really do not want to.

It is the season for gratitude, I was in short supply there for a while. I am grateful for this experience, the food, the architecture, the culture, the staying up late and the sleeping in late, for having interesting conversations I could never have “back home” as the American Club for Women in Antwerp call it. I am even grateful for being alone, as hard as that feels at times.
For an American to do this is insane, it is like someone just shot you off to the moon

Happy Thanksgiving!
It does not end Thursday……

Friday, November 20, 2009

November 20th - I got robbed

Novemer 20th – I got robbed

My little backpack on my back in the tram. Some shoving and shuffling, I did not feel how they opened the zipper and just lifted my wallet with everything in it.
Here I am, ignorant, non-suspecting Austinite, never thinking about it for a moment
My wallet had cash, credit cards, debit card, driving licsense, id Minister card, pics, train pass, pin codes for phone here and in Holland, it felt like my whole life, which it is not of course.
Initially I was so shocked and felt so violated. I can’t imagine how people feel when they are actually physically attacked, which is what I felt.
Fortunetly I was on my way to the gym and the people there were very nice, took me to the police station (well hey, you never know they toss what they can’t use)
And bought me dinner – I had no money
Now, after all cards are blocked, I still have few resources, thank god for David. It is confronting to realize how dependent we have become on pulling money out of the wall and paying with plastic.
It happened two days ago, still recuperating. It doe not help I am alone here.

When I mentioned it to people, everyone, I mean everyone, has been robbed at least once. And everyone says ithappens all the time. You cannot walk around with shoulder purses, backpacks or leave anything on the florr or chair or anywhere.A friend carries a purse with a lock! Zip and lock!

It gave me pause. What a peculiar way to live (and yes, this apparently is all over Europe), always thinking about what might or could happen, locks on doors, locks on cars, bikes purses, everything

And then the work that goes into getting it all replaced. Have not even begun to deal with driving licsense , automatic payments etc
This is mind boggling as well.

Musings about Antwerp

November 17th


Musings....

I eat with a knife and fork again, fork in left hand

At the gym, women have no privacy to change or shower, one open space. Even I have become too American to feel comfortable with that. More extreme is the fact that many male bathrooms are in full sight, incredible.

At 5pm it is dark, at 4pm beginning. Actually, many days are dark, people are dark. For those of you who have not been here, Moslem life has completely taken over, when I walk in the street, especially in my neighborhood, I cannot understand anyone. Nor in the shops, in trams, wherever. Lots of women still wear headscarfs, but many seem to be totally integrated in Dutch and Belgium life, or rather, have become part of a changing picture.
I have made friends with a Moslem woman in the Internet store. I pass by and she asks: any problems today? (I had issues with trying to scan something)

Everyone moves, by bike or walks. Maybe that is why it is hard to get supplements? Cannot get vitamin D, why?
Pharmacies are very cheap and sell drugs without prescription. Got an anti-biotic for my eyes, 4 bucks..!!

Last few days beautiful weather, I don’t remember that at all, global warming…….?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

November 14th- Gone to Market

November 14th

Gone to Market

Alone in Antwerp amidst crowds, constantly and in most places.
It is the hardest part of this trip, being alone, loneliness, dealing with everything new alone
My friend S. came from Holland, it was such a relief to talk to someone I know and the realization how important it is to talk to people we know, and know us and see us for who we are.
In a new place it all stay around introductions and only rarely do things go beyond that quickly

The market is awesome. It did help the weather was beautiful today – again! When does this terrible weather begin? – and also to be amongst beautiful architecture. Many languages, many cultures, lots of Turkish and Maroccans, but my favorite scarf stall was definitely Italian, herbs Spanish, Fish Portugese and many chinees.
Pomegrans the size of a foot ball, 3 huge avocados for 2 euros,cheese you cannot imagine and here and there scattered about stall for wine tasting.
Whatever food you may want, they got it here.

My neighborhood

Mostly Turkish and Maroccan, also Portugese and Spanish. White is the minority, i.e. I am.
I have a renewed admiration for migrants (immigrants) who begin grocery stores, houseware stores, laundry etc and thriving!
They are very nice to me, helpful, even though half the time they don’t understand me or I them. They prefer English over Flemish for some reason I have not worked out.
This used to be a run down area and you can see how house by house it is being rebuild. A brand new library is 5 minutes walk from here, which helps the feel.
And squares. With trees, sculptures, benches and space.Interesting in such a busty city. Three supermarkets within walking distances

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

November 10th - 1st Day in Antwerp

November 10th


Ok, it is done. I am on my own in the apartment, my hosts left last night at 10 pm. I have spend tha last few days and last night making this apartment my own. The women living here, must be the all time clutter queens, unbeliveble!
Every nook and cranny holds something, including dirt. But I am feeling good about what it is becoming.
I am sleeping on a waterbed, anyone? It was surprisingly comfortable, I had a lot of deliberations beforehand, but it was fine.
I ma on the 3rd floor with a view of windows and roofs of all shapes and sizes, mostly attractive, some run down
When I learn how to put pics on here I will.

This neighborhood is an odd mix between new and old, it reminds me of some places in NYC (Washington Heights) as they were being gentrified.
I hear many languages in the street, mostly turkish and maroccan, but an amazing presence of portugese.
The stores vary from the "Turkish bakery" (delish) to good old supermarkets, more expensive and all packaged. I will have to learn where what to buy.

I have been sick, flu-like, which has been very challenging. Cough cough cough and feeling all around miserable.
This must have been the hardest two weeks I have had in a long time, being alone and all
Flamish is much more of a different language that I thought, and I cannot understand it a lot of the time when they speak amongst themselves.

Recycling

is an artform here. Paper in one place, white glass dropped off in a container, dark glass in another, plastic in especially designed bags (you get big penalties for doing anything diffenent!), green garbage, etc
Everyone takes it extremely serious, also because it is costly not to....)
Also interesting, that people here do not want to spend money on elctronics, that is, TV, internet. Phones yes. BUtnotTV.I was in a room with 12 people the other night and only 3 people had a TV! And complaining non-stop about the cost. So they pirate from their neighbors!
Water use is paid for, so everybody is very frugal about taking showers, doing the dishes - mostly with cold water - and using heat. I remember how cold the house used to be when I grew up, and always attributed it to lack of central heat. Which was true, but also the resistence in spending money on heat.
Everyone wears sweater inside and sleeps in icy rooms.(icy to me)

Walked tp the Central Station today - I have not been anywhere much yet - which must be the most attractive railway station everq anywhere, what architecture! On the way there you go to the "chinese street" which is exactly what it sounds like, all chinees (one thai)

Tomorrow my dear friend from Holland is coming, which will be delightful. I have not had friend to talk to for two weeks (other than short spurts with my family). It is truly lonely and I did not realize I was going to land on Mars.
And now I did, never been there before, you?

Friday, November 6, 2009

November 6th - Anoek ON The Go

October 28 Houston Airport

The first day of my adventure. A deep sadness is traveling with me, lots of questions, ………..thinking of kids, David, dogs, not especially in that order.
David took me to the airport and since he was traveling as well, he took me to the gate, great luxury!
Geez, my big bag was 50.5. pounds! On the way back I will have to lose some.
Sat in the bulkhead, never again, with a wall in front of you, yikes

Why am I doing this? That is constantly on my mind. What kind of crazy is this? Finding myself? Fuck that! But that is what it is, who am I, without being a mom.
Caring for kids, house, husband, dogs, yard, laundry, bills, maintenance, repair etc

Who am I? Where am I? How many women are struggling with this empty nest syndrome, what are they doing? Playing bridge?Traveling?
My life needs to become meaningful in a different way now, the word that comes up is animals animals animals

David is sitting in the terminal in Austin waiting to board, I am in Houston waiting to board, weird .Without him I could not have done this, I just told him that.

Animals are so meaningful animals to us, human beings. Essential to our existence, socially, emotionally, spiritually. As are all living things.
I think in a way , my two dogs saved me. This morning I was resting on the bed (after accidently taking an overdose of vit B12 and breaking out!), they simply settled on either side of me. I let their loving energy enter, and felt better soon.
Many a times I felt totally alone, and bam, they were there, for me, to love and be loved, always, unconditionally, what a lesson to learn!

Soon I board and cross the ocean. My beloved ocean, the primordeal sounds of the ocean, that is where I will live and love, near the ocean

October 31st

Halloween in Holland is virtually not existing. It is odd to think a whole country across the ocean is dressing up and nobody here is looking
I am at the Unitarian retreat which is largely Americans living in Europe and they do Halloween.
A kids party, dress up, pumpkins etc

Food: Burgers are bare – not with the works- dessert is pudding (it has been ages!), ice cream and profiteroles
Everyone is sitting outside in coats , it is in the low 50ties today, in TX we would not even consider it…………the weather is vaguely sunny and the leaves are gorgous!

Walking the streets I am awed by the beauty, the architecture, the cobblestone and how everyone just goes on with their days as if this is not special.

Attended a discussion group today about intercontinental parenting and empty nesting.
Many moved for work, as a couple or family mostly, and many still feel like outsiderseven after 30 years! They stay for work reasons, quality of life, beauty, habit……
I share my story and have no conclusion………..I feel the debt of my good friends in the US, the love for my immediate family and friends here and also feeling like an outsider at the same time.
Time will tell more I hope

November 2nd

After a rainy day yesterday, it is nice once again. Cloudy, but nice, walked around with turtleneck, but no coat.
Today was the first time I had a leisurly walk into the town of Louvain. The beauty never ceases to amaze me. Of course now the color of the leaves add a fairy tale tone to the ages old architecture.
People are everywhere all the time, it reminds me of New York. And always drinking coffee or beer or something in some brasserie, brown café or restaurant.
Love it.

Two things changed from previous visits: people are nice in the stores and don’t walk into you on the streets, on the contrary, they make an attempt to give way .Since I never spend that much time in Belgium, but more in Holland I wonder if it is just different here.
The other thing is the luxury, all around. The stores now are just as richly stocked as anywhere, women and girls are dressed a lot better than in Austin and much more creative as well- which might be called daring.
All women wear boots, the choices and styles are endless and very interesting. Hats, gloves and coats.
Men do not seem to be going along with the fashion.
If there is a recession (and there is!!) you cannot see it here.

Ironically, this morning I went to Ikea with my friend, which is identical to anywhere in the world, including huge parking lots and coffeeshop. It was packed,
Watching the news last night there was not one word about it.

November 2nd

Coffee.
Served on a silver platter- well, stainless steel, cup and saucer, cookie , whipped cream, coaster under it all, while nobody worries much about paying your bill right away. Two feet away two guys are talking French, drinking wine at 2pm. Many people drinking alcohol in the middle of the day, amazing!

Bathroom
Got to go, had to pay 50 E cents to get in. I forgot, you pay to pee here……