I had a delightful time, mostly because I was surrounded by people and animals I love.
Benjamin graduated in December and is now a biologist! Whilst he was in school, he spend most of his time at his girlfriends house, but since then they both have spend pretty much all their time here.
Sarah has come back from New York and is great company. Jeff, an old friend of 40 years, came a few days from Florida and Jeff, well, he is family.
Then Maya arrived and it completed the feeling of “fullness” in the house, which I love.
To top it off I have been fostering kittens from the Humane Society – two at the time – so everywhere you look there is often a kitten or a dog, delicious!
What made it such a good time? We had time (David took off work). Time to get up, have breakfast, explore a coffeeshop, run an errand, go to the gym or run in the park – the weather is glorious now – and sit around and talk or watch TV. Lots of catching up to do.
Our Christmas Holiday is relatively without pressure, in that we don’t have complicated family issues to deal with and most friends are with their own family. Once again I could not resist buying small presents for everyone, I just love looking, buying, wrapping and giving….and then Christmas morning…..
I actually feel enthousiasm to move to NY again and it looks like Benjamin wants to move there too!!
He does not know what he wants to do, maybe starting his masters degree next year, but he know he wants to leave Austin (finally!).
During the holiday time I received so many lovely cards and good wishes, that I was touched deeply by how many of you remembered me/us and felt a real booster for the coming year. I have not been able to answer all of you personally, but this way you can at least be informed.
Monday, January 24, 2011
October/November/December - Depression
Coming back from this trip, the stress and strain of accomplishing an undefined task and charting in unknown territory was extremely uncomfortable. I lost all momentum to move, read energy. Or to stay for that matter. The experience of this last trip to New York was painful in many ways, cumbersome, complicated and insanely hard work(day and night) and upon return I desperately needed to recuperate physically, emotionally and even professionally. My friendship with this old friend of 30 years had gotten a huge dent, but fortunately, has since then been pacified with a meaningful phonecall to some extent.
I began a most intimate relationship with depression once again and that in itself brought on despair and discouragement: will it ever end?
I fell, into a deep depression like I have not felt in many many years. I lost hope, vision and lacked energy. I found myself sitting and sitting, staring out, with no particular thought, but feeling hopeless and helpless.
I stopped eating. Stopped cooking. I lost track of time. Sometimes days went by without speaking to anyone. I dropped many things, broke more plates and cups than I had in years, walked into doors and constantly hurt myself “accidently”. Made a big tumble in the park and broke skin in 9 places. I could not stop crying, for no reason in particular.I could not sleep through the night, even with pills.
I also had a series of incidents before and during this time with friends. It was raining conflict and drama. Some I could explain, in that in retrospect, it looks like I was psychically turning over a new leaf in my book of life, but whilst in the middle, I felt utterly alone and sometimes ignored and misunderstood.
Some events happened out of the clear blue sky, although nothing ever happens that way…..I was critical, explosive and judgemental. Well, that will exit any friendship out the door.
The results were that I felt extremely lonely and people sense you are not in a good place and consequently, distance themselves.
All in all I was bio-chemically very unbalanced, I knew it, but the very state I was in, prevented me from doing anything about it. I asked myself over and over: ”What can I do? How do I get past this? Who can I turn to?”
It felt that I wrote the book on depression, with all the symptoms appearing.
As time moved on, I began thinking about the team of healers I have gathered in my life and started to call them. Some were completely useless in this particular situation, but what got me set on the right track was my therapist from New York who suggested homeopathy. I am not a fan of homeopathy, nor am I against it, but at that point in time, it was the only thing anyone suggested.
This homeopathist works on the phone and suggested an over-the-counter remedy; I felt better within the same week.
She explained to me that she works with the most recent trauma first – loosing friends – and progressively works backwards, which in my case was a hospital experience ( I had another stent put in ) and a huge car accident earlier this year (2010) and knee surgery before that.
I felt myself crawling out of a hole and even today feel on shaky ground. My fingers are cut from still breaking things, my tolerance is mediocre, but my energy is back and I do not feel out of control any longer.
Additionally, I work my own regiment : good people around me, good food, good music, meditation, affirmations, physical exercise, good smells (yes, important to me) etc
The jumpstart came during the Christmas week when all the kids were home. Even Maya came from England and we had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, eating drinking and be merry.
I began a most intimate relationship with depression once again and that in itself brought on despair and discouragement: will it ever end?
I fell, into a deep depression like I have not felt in many many years. I lost hope, vision and lacked energy. I found myself sitting and sitting, staring out, with no particular thought, but feeling hopeless and helpless.
I stopped eating. Stopped cooking. I lost track of time. Sometimes days went by without speaking to anyone. I dropped many things, broke more plates and cups than I had in years, walked into doors and constantly hurt myself “accidently”. Made a big tumble in the park and broke skin in 9 places. I could not stop crying, for no reason in particular.I could not sleep through the night, even with pills.
I also had a series of incidents before and during this time with friends. It was raining conflict and drama. Some I could explain, in that in retrospect, it looks like I was psychically turning over a new leaf in my book of life, but whilst in the middle, I felt utterly alone and sometimes ignored and misunderstood.
Some events happened out of the clear blue sky, although nothing ever happens that way…..I was critical, explosive and judgemental. Well, that will exit any friendship out the door.
The results were that I felt extremely lonely and people sense you are not in a good place and consequently, distance themselves.
All in all I was bio-chemically very unbalanced, I knew it, but the very state I was in, prevented me from doing anything about it. I asked myself over and over: ”What can I do? How do I get past this? Who can I turn to?”
It felt that I wrote the book on depression, with all the symptoms appearing.
As time moved on, I began thinking about the team of healers I have gathered in my life and started to call them. Some were completely useless in this particular situation, but what got me set on the right track was my therapist from New York who suggested homeopathy. I am not a fan of homeopathy, nor am I against it, but at that point in time, it was the only thing anyone suggested.
This homeopathist works on the phone and suggested an over-the-counter remedy; I felt better within the same week.
She explained to me that she works with the most recent trauma first – loosing friends – and progressively works backwards, which in my case was a hospital experience ( I had another stent put in ) and a huge car accident earlier this year (2010) and knee surgery before that.
I felt myself crawling out of a hole and even today feel on shaky ground. My fingers are cut from still breaking things, my tolerance is mediocre, but my energy is back and I do not feel out of control any longer.
Additionally, I work my own regiment : good people around me, good food, good music, meditation, affirmations, physical exercise, good smells (yes, important to me) etc
The jumpstart came during the Christmas week when all the kids were home. Even Maya came from England and we had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, eating drinking and be merry.
October 13th – The tour of Manhatten
We are sitting at the airport on our way back to Austin.
The tour turned out to be organized by “Corporate America” and the office, reminded me a lot of my days in the hotel business: the dress code, the lack of mindfulness towards people, the cutting remarks, the impatience clouded in kindness and all about making the buck (dollar).
The participants were nice, down to earth and I think they enjoyed themselves, although I realized I did not know nearly enough to be a good tour guide, even though I spend hours and hours preparing.
My partner, who invited me and is a friend of many years, absolutely did not inform me, help me, supported me. He has been in this business for 30 years, but for some reason or another just assumed I would “fall” into this.
Two things I learned about myself: how utterly uncomfortable it is for me to be doing something while not knowing what to do. To the point of nausea.
Secondly, the corporate world is not for me any longer. Where once it had a shine to it, the glamour of riding limousines and dressing up, now feels violating and I actually felt abused and battered afterwards.
What did we see on the tour? Like usual on tours,everything feels like a flash and herding 45 people in and out of a bus on a schedule is like herding cats in the jungle. If you want to read about New York City, read the following paragraphs:
First day: “orientation tour” which was pretty much up to me, which came as a shock. I had assumed I would get instructions on where to take them and when, but none of that. So, where to take them? I ended up driving around and walking “Ground Zero” (which is largely a big construction site at the moment) and having coffee at my beloved Union Square, where there are more cafes you can count and a delicious market.
Second Day: A walk through Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum. Needless to say, the Dutchies started wandering off and we arrived just in time to meet our guide at the Met. Once again I was awestruck by the enormity of it all. We saw, amongst other things, some amazing Rembrandts and Vermeers I had never seen – work related to the girl with the pearl earring - , not to mention the 3000 year old Egyptian Temple. At the request of one of our guests they also showed us American Art (there is an American Wing), which many of use tend to forget about altogether.
I will skip all the lunches and dinners we had, most of the restaurants were around Time Square, an experience in itself and much changed since I lived here.
Third Day: Skyscraper tour. I studied to get all the dates and facts under my belt of places like the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building and the likes, but in the end we ended up going to the Highline, an architectural gem. Old train tracks that were raised above the city in the 30ties to avoid accidents with cars and pedestrians, are now converted in a delicious walkway with trees, flowers, grasses and of course, a view. It is now 20 blocks long, but will be extended another ten, as far as the old tracks run, all protected and funded by “the friends of the Highline”, which are simply concerned citizens who want greenery.
Afterwards a wonderful Helicopter Tour and yes, I got to go too!!Lovely, interesting, gives you real perspective.
Fourth Day: Harlem. We had an African American tour guide and if you ever wondered what reverse racism is, there it was.
Some people have decided that the world is created by and for black people and that the whites are coming to Harlem to see how it is done. They looked down on us and were rude and demeaning.
I was to translate what she said, but she had no interest in that,
She just carried on, so much of the tour got lost to those who did not speak a lot of (black American) English.
(yes, amazingly, at least 25% of the people ( Achterhoek ) did not speak any English and many more only” book- English”).
And Harlem? Some parts are attractive, tree lined and upgraded, many areas are still showing the run down and dangers of not so long ago past.
At night we herded them on a boat, which was more like a floating Carnival with loud music, raffles and contests. The part that was surprisingly moving for me, was unexpectedly, to be very very close to the Statue of Liberty,seen from the water, what a beauty indeed and since I know more history, it is more meaningful . Did you know this was originally a gift from France to Egypt and was supposed to have stood by the Suez Canal? Egypt could not afford it, so France decided to give it to the US, who could pay for the base and transportation.
The tour turned out to be organized by “Corporate America” and the office, reminded me a lot of my days in the hotel business: the dress code, the lack of mindfulness towards people, the cutting remarks, the impatience clouded in kindness and all about making the buck (dollar).
The participants were nice, down to earth and I think they enjoyed themselves, although I realized I did not know nearly enough to be a good tour guide, even though I spend hours and hours preparing.
My partner, who invited me and is a friend of many years, absolutely did not inform me, help me, supported me. He has been in this business for 30 years, but for some reason or another just assumed I would “fall” into this.
Two things I learned about myself: how utterly uncomfortable it is for me to be doing something while not knowing what to do. To the point of nausea.
Secondly, the corporate world is not for me any longer. Where once it had a shine to it, the glamour of riding limousines and dressing up, now feels violating and I actually felt abused and battered afterwards.
What did we see on the tour? Like usual on tours,everything feels like a flash and herding 45 people in and out of a bus on a schedule is like herding cats in the jungle. If you want to read about New York City, read the following paragraphs:
First day: “orientation tour” which was pretty much up to me, which came as a shock. I had assumed I would get instructions on where to take them and when, but none of that. So, where to take them? I ended up driving around and walking “Ground Zero” (which is largely a big construction site at the moment) and having coffee at my beloved Union Square, where there are more cafes you can count and a delicious market.
Second Day: A walk through Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum. Needless to say, the Dutchies started wandering off and we arrived just in time to meet our guide at the Met. Once again I was awestruck by the enormity of it all. We saw, amongst other things, some amazing Rembrandts and Vermeers I had never seen – work related to the girl with the pearl earring - , not to mention the 3000 year old Egyptian Temple. At the request of one of our guests they also showed us American Art (there is an American Wing), which many of use tend to forget about altogether.
I will skip all the lunches and dinners we had, most of the restaurants were around Time Square, an experience in itself and much changed since I lived here.
Third Day: Skyscraper tour. I studied to get all the dates and facts under my belt of places like the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building and the likes, but in the end we ended up going to the Highline, an architectural gem. Old train tracks that were raised above the city in the 30ties to avoid accidents with cars and pedestrians, are now converted in a delicious walkway with trees, flowers, grasses and of course, a view. It is now 20 blocks long, but will be extended another ten, as far as the old tracks run, all protected and funded by “the friends of the Highline”, which are simply concerned citizens who want greenery.
Afterwards a wonderful Helicopter Tour and yes, I got to go too!!Lovely, interesting, gives you real perspective.
Fourth Day: Harlem. We had an African American tour guide and if you ever wondered what reverse racism is, there it was.
Some people have decided that the world is created by and for black people and that the whites are coming to Harlem to see how it is done. They looked down on us and were rude and demeaning.
I was to translate what she said, but she had no interest in that,
She just carried on, so much of the tour got lost to those who did not speak a lot of (black American) English.
(yes, amazingly, at least 25% of the people ( Achterhoek ) did not speak any English and many more only” book- English”).
And Harlem? Some parts are attractive, tree lined and upgraded, many areas are still showing the run down and dangers of not so long ago past.
At night we herded them on a boat, which was more like a floating Carnival with loud music, raffles and contests. The part that was surprisingly moving for me, was unexpectedly, to be very very close to the Statue of Liberty,seen from the water, what a beauty indeed and since I know more history, it is more meaningful . Did you know this was originally a gift from France to Egypt and was supposed to have stood by the Suez Canal? Egypt could not afford it, so France decided to give it to the US, who could pay for the base and transportation.
October 3rd – A month later
The leak is fixed, I am scheduled to have tiles in the bathroom Thursday, the trees are partly cut and need more work next week, planned for several bids for a painter for the whole house and the cracks in the outside wall are closed.
Meantime we bought a machine that can copy all our VHS to DVD, found a person who can copy audio cassettes and records into CD’s.
Lots of furniture was donated to people who lost their homes by ways of the hurricane (little Katrina indeed) just north of us and Benjamin has sold many electronics that had just been standing around without being used.
And so it goes and much more to do.
I got a job offer in New York to be a tour guide for a group of contractors (aannemers) for 5 days, David scheduled some work around the same period and we found a beautiful apartment on the 52nd floor with a view to die for. Right near where we originally met, 38th street. Serendipidous…..
Meantime we bought a machine that can copy all our VHS to DVD, found a person who can copy audio cassettes and records into CD’s.
Lots of furniture was donated to people who lost their homes by ways of the hurricane (little Katrina indeed) just north of us and Benjamin has sold many electronics that had just been standing around without being used.
And so it goes and much more to do.
I got a job offer in New York to be a tour guide for a group of contractors (aannemers) for 5 days, David scheduled some work around the same period and we found a beautiful apartment on the 52nd floor with a view to die for. Right near where we originally met, 38th street. Serendipidous…..
September 12th - Back in Austin
Well, my stay in New York went fine. Excellent in fact. The arrival at the house in Austin is another matter. We came home in a hurricane, those of you who read this and are from Austin know this already, two days of gusting winds and flooding rains. I won’t go into the damage that has been caused in this area, you can read that in the newspaper and on line I suppose.
We came home to a flooded laundry room, which extended into the garage and a very wet carpet in the den, rain had come in from a horizontal direction with gusts for two days solid. The yard was total chaos.
Tomorrow workers will begin picking up the floor in the shed, which is presumably where the water is coming from and work their way into the garage and see where the water entered the house and what needs to be done…...
I pray we can still clean the carpet in the den (my office).
Welcome home!
Otherwise ok to be here if I don’t let the house get to me. The work to get this all organized and sold – furniture/electronics/books/paperwork/movies, etc – and get bids for painting, and other odds and ends, is huge. But I have made a start and I am full of energy to get this done.
People have hardly noticed I was gone it seems (3 months!), except for a few dear friends. The dogs are happy and after a huge clean up and haircut, look like my doggies again.
Wish me luck, hell no, luck has not much to do with this, in the next few months.
We came home to a flooded laundry room, which extended into the garage and a very wet carpet in the den, rain had come in from a horizontal direction with gusts for two days solid. The yard was total chaos.
Tomorrow workers will begin picking up the floor in the shed, which is presumably where the water is coming from and work their way into the garage and see where the water entered the house and what needs to be done…...
I pray we can still clean the carpet in the den (my office).
Welcome home!
Otherwise ok to be here if I don’t let the house get to me. The work to get this all organized and sold – furniture/electronics/books/paperwork/movies, etc – and get bids for painting, and other odds and ends, is huge. But I have made a start and I am full of energy to get this done.
People have hardly noticed I was gone it seems (3 months!), except for a few dear friends. The dogs are happy and after a huge clean up and haircut, look like my doggies again.
Wish me luck, hell no, luck has not much to do with this, in the next few months.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)