October/November/December - Depression

Coming back from this trip, the stress and strain of accomplishing an undefined task and charting in unknown territory was extremely uncomfortable. I lost all momentum to move, read energy. Or to stay for that matter. The experience of this last trip to New York was painful in many ways, cumbersome, complicated and insanely hard work(day and night) and upon return I desperately needed to recuperate physically, emotionally and even professionally. My friendship with this old friend of 30 years had gotten a huge dent, but fortunately, has since then been pacified with a meaningful phonecall to some extent.

I began a most intimate relationship with depression once again and that in itself brought on despair and discouragement: will it ever end?

I fell, into a deep depression like I have not felt in many many years. I lost hope, vision and lacked energy. I found myself sitting and sitting, staring out, with no particular thought, but feeling hopeless and helpless.

I stopped eating. Stopped cooking. I lost track of time. Sometimes days went by without speaking to anyone. I dropped many things, broke more plates and cups than I had in years, walked into doors and constantly hurt myself “accidently”. Made a big tumble in the park and broke skin in 9 places. I could not stop crying, for no reason in particular.I could not sleep through the night, even with pills.

I also had a series of incidents before and during this time with friends. It was raining conflict and drama. Some I could explain, in that in retrospect, it looks like I was psychically turning over a new leaf in my book of life, but whilst in the middle, I felt utterly alone and sometimes ignored and misunderstood.

Some events happened out of the clear blue sky, although nothing ever happens that way…..I was critical, explosive and judgemental. Well, that will exit any friendship out the door.

The results were that I felt extremely lonely and people sense you are not in a good place and consequently, distance themselves.

All in all I was bio-chemically very unbalanced, I knew it, but the very state I was in, prevented me from doing anything about it. I asked myself over and over: ”What can I do? How do I get past this? Who can I turn to?”
It felt that I wrote the book on depression, with all the symptoms appearing.

As time moved on, I began thinking about the team of healers I have gathered in my life and started to call them. Some were completely useless in this particular situation, but what got me set on the right track was my therapist from New York who suggested homeopathy. I am not a fan of homeopathy, nor am I against it, but at that point in time, it was the only thing anyone suggested.

This homeopathist works on the phone and suggested an over-the-counter remedy; I felt better within the same week.

She explained to me that she works with the most recent trauma first – loosing friends – and progressively works backwards, which in my case was a hospital experience ( I had another stent put in ) and a huge car accident earlier this year (2010) and knee surgery before that.

I felt myself crawling out of a hole and even today feel on shaky ground. My fingers are cut from still breaking things, my tolerance is mediocre, but my energy is back and I do not feel out of control any longer.

Additionally, I work my own regiment : good people around me, good food, good music, meditation, affirmations, physical exercise, good smells (yes, important to me) etc

The jumpstart came during the Christmas week when all the kids were home. Even Maya came from England and we had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, eating drinking and be merry.